…All I want is *love*

Tonight, I am feeling lonely.

Nothing is different. It is the same as it usually is.

My day was routine. My friends are there–I even talked to all of them today. (All THREE of them!)

But there is something about arriving home, after a long day, and meeting a spouse who is in a bad mood. Pretty much everyday. 

There is no, “Hey honey! How was your day?”

There is usually a scowl, and a “Hey……” with a sigh. Immediately, I am put on guard.

I don’t share. I can’t. He’s grumpy. He’s not happy. He’s anxious and depressed.

And, no matter how hard I’ve tried–and trust me, I HAVE tried–I cannot force him to change. I cannot force him to take care of himself and use self care.

I am feeling sad. Everyday, I sit back and I think, How did I get here? How am I happier when I am NOT at home? 

…I know how it happened. I met him, a 33 year old…handsome, successful, intelligent, when I was a few months short of my 20th birthday. At 19, I felt flirty and sexy and mature.

His age intimidated me…mostly from the standpoint of wondering: What will everyone THINK?

But…we talked. I couldn’t help myself…he was interested. He was pursuing me. It was flattering. Why would this guy want ME?

It was a combination of flattery, disbelief, daring, and infatuation.

I got to know him quickly. His depressive side showed pretty fast. But I was a pyschology undergrad…a fixer. I’ve always been drawn to hurting people. I want, so badly, to fix them. To make them feel better.

Back then? Back then I believed I could.

Now…I realize that I don’t have that power.

People do what they do.

He also had the means to take care of me. He had a home. A job. He wanted to share that with me. I was safe and comfortable…and that feeling, in my early 2os, was exactly what I thought I was looking for.

Today, I am 30 years old. I have two children. My husband is 44.

I am unhappy.

Daily, I daydream about a marriage where there is passion and love. Where I can share with my significant other without worrying about his reaction. I dream of a fulfilling sex life…something that, at 20, I thought I could sacrifice in the name of being comfortable.

I do not doubt that my husband loves me. And I do not doubt that I love him.

But, I want so much more.

I want to arrive home, and be happier than I am here. I want to feel happy with my husband. I want connection and intimacy.

I want to feel sexy and wanted.

Instead, I sit on the couch with a laptop in my lap, typing to the world wide web. I am alone. Well…he is sitting at the dining room table, working on his own computer, not talking to me.

We are like two trains, running on parallel tracks, never making contact.

It breaks my heart.

It makes me want to leave.

I just want to feel loved.

5 thoughts on “…All I want is *love*

      • grace to survive September 14, 2017 / 5:21 pm

        Oh. Not sure what else to say except hoping things improve for you both.

        Like

  1. DawnSeeker September 14, 2017 / 10:26 am

    Been praying for you, girl. My heart broke for you reading your post last night. I’ve been there. Done that. Happy now, in my 3rd marriage — but ONLY because I did the work on ME that I could have done in numbers one and two.

    Listened to this man interviewed on Coast to Coast radio show last night, and thought of you. Of me. Of all of us who are alive and trying to figure out this thing called LIFE. He’s got great books and strategies for self-change, self-improvement: http://www.eldontaylor.com/

    From another woman who had been in a dead marriage, the thing to change is not (unfortunately) him. Unless he’s violent or something seriously bad (sounds like he’s not). The thing to change is US. How we view the world. How we interact. How we think . . . What we do. And that actually changes the people and circumstances around us. If you don’t do this with this marriage, this man, your next ones will suffer the same fate!!!

    I suggest my Depression Emergency Kit and some of my strategies on my blog. This is not fantasy stuff. This is Life-saving, Life-changing stuff I’ve worked through over the years.

    https://journalofdawn.wordpress.com/the-assignment-guide-to-greater-happiness/
    https://journalofdawn.wordpress.com/runaway-emotional-emergency-escape-ramp/
    https://journalofdawn.wordpress.com/depression-emergency-kit/

    I hope this helps!!!!! Dawn

    If you want to call: 661 245-2182
    email: dawn@frazmtn.com

    Liked by 1 person

  2. SadiRose September 17, 2017 / 2:58 pm

    I understand. Someone once told me…when faced with a difficult situation that the only difference between a brace person and a coward is not the fear they feel, but the action they take. It took several years to sink in and have meaning. Then I made changes. I felt better. I made mistakes. The same mistakes. I made changes. I feel better. I guess I’m trying to say you are not alone.

    Like

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