The things that anxiety makes me do cause so much shame.
Tonight, it is boiling up inside of me. I can taste it…and it makes me feel sick.
In moments of panic, I am weak. I reach out. I say what is on my mind because I no longer–in that moment–have the strength to pretend to be okay. I am too focused on trying to remember to breathe. On trying to convince myself that I am not going to die from panic.
I feel, in that moment, like I just need help.
I went to work today and ended up calling in a substitute and driving home early.
…I just couldn’t make it through the day. My anxiety has been terrible. My heart is hurting. And my mind refuses to find distraction.
It all weighs so much. So much to carry. It makes me feel ill.
It has been a difficult and trying week.
People around me are hurting.
I am hurting.
It is a struggle.
A week and a few days ago, I recognized and verbalized something I have known for a long time. I want to get a divorce. I told my husband that this would happen, if things do not change.
I have no hope they will change. Continue reading
To mend what is broken is not a simple task.
I talk. I cry. I think. I grieve. I laugh. I toughen up.
I crack open.
And then I start all over again. Continue reading
Nothing about growth has been linear. It has been an up and down process…almost circular at times.
I feel better. I lapse. I come back around to the same hurts I’ve been so diligently ignoring. They still hurt.
But something has changed: me.
Somehow, despite all my doubting and all of my insecurities….somehow, I have still gotten stronger.
So, I come back around to the hurts…but, each time, I am a little more ready to handle them. To deal with them. Continue reading
Tonight, I am feeling lonely.
Nothing is different. It is the same as it usually is.
My day was routine. My friends are there–I even talked to all of them today. (All THREE of them!)
But there is something about arriving home, after a long day, and meeting a spouse who is in a bad mood. Pretty much everyday. Continue reading
My heart has been heavy lately with so many big emotions. I have been sensitive to the slightest changes in tone, behavior, action, and gesture.
I have done better with this fall-down than I have in years past–I am using my supports in better ways and I am aware of my most harmful patterns of thinking.
But. One thing just trips me up, over and over again.
Shame. Continue reading
Today was another hard day.
I didn’t sleep well last night. I was plagued by weird and vivid dreams, and woke frequently. My 5am alarm sounded way too soon and was not a welcome noise.
I dragged myself out of bed. Got ready for work. Pulled out of my driveway at 6:40 and headed for school.
I could feel the drag. I could feel the irritability. I could feel the emotions and darkness…right there, on the edge, where they have been lingering so recently.
Therapy is such a process.
There have been times when I have wondered: Is it time to be done?
The reality? I still have a long way to go.
I had been doing a lot better. I had been having much longer spaces between therapy sessions…from weekly, to twice a month, to once every three weeks, to, almost, once a month.
But then, another setback.