Knowing and Doing

Our brains are really tricky organs.

I have been at a point, for awhile now, where I know what is causing my anxiety. However, despite being cognitively aware of some of the causes, and trying to talk myself down logically, my body reacts on autopilot.

Breaking that script is difficult.

Daughter Guilt

I’ve always been the type of person to avoid confrontation. For me, it is more than just unpleasant–it is emotionally fueled, painful, and anxiety provoking.

It has always been easier…better…to just be the peacemaker. The nurturer.

I was cultivated into this role from an early age. The first person that I tried to avoid confrontation with is a person that I still try to avoid confrontation with: my mother.

Acknowledgment

Writing has always been my outlet. It is my way of venting, of processing…of figuring out what I am even thinking.

One side effect of this, however, is that I tend to write more frequently when I feel bad. The emotions during tumultuous times need to be let out…so I hit the keyboard.

Lately? Lately I have been feeling a lot better. Not perfect. I have noticed spans of melancholy and I can easily fall back into old, not-so-healthy patterns. But, overall, my need to write has been less.

Today, however, that need felt big again. I felt that overwhelming desire to get on my computer and start typing away. I have something to say.

The layers to my soul

I am a many layered entity.

There have been many times throughout this journey to healing where I have thought I have reached my center, only to be surprised to discover more layers of complexities underneath.

Diligently, I have peeled back layer after layer. Gruelingly, grudgingly, and guardedly, at times. Happily, laughingly, and interestedly, at others.

The fact, however, remains: finding the center is hard to do…

Days like this

I have been an irritable, grumpy person lately.

Life has been stressful, for no really great reasons.

My anxiety has felt okay.

It’s just that melancholy creeps in.

Some days? It overtakes me.

Coming together…instead of falling apart.

I am a Type A person.

I like things to be perfect. In my control. I like everyone to feel happy.

I stress…and worry…and stress some more because the things I like to see are hard on my soul.

Most of the time, you see, they are out of my control.

I’m Doing This For Me.

 Until recently, I did very little in my life just for me.

Don’t get me wrong…I am not the world’s most selfless person. I can be stubborn. I can pout. I can whine until I get my way.

But…I also seemed to lack the courage and the confidence to ever simply be me.

It started young–I took care of others. That was my role. I was the peacekeeper, the nurturer, the comforter.