A grateful heart

Last night, I got hit with a wave of emotions.

It started as I finished reading a really deep, romantic novel. Each time I read a book in this genre, I start to feel melancholy. I look at the way the book portrays romantic love, and grieve over the fact that my love looks so much different.

I stayed up entirely too late reading this book. Around midnight, I snuck upstairs and crawled into bed. I felt a little battle-worn. 

My husband has been stressed to the max lately. He is overwhelmed, and he refuses to use self-care. He is selfless almost to a fault–he can’t take care of himself because he does not want to put anyone else out.

It does not really matter that I ask him to go out–take a hike, go camping! He finds an excuse for it not to work. And his stress, anxiety, and pessimism continues to build.

Since I came home from my trip, I have been trying so hard to hold on to my joy. Yet, I feel like he has been the antithesis of joy, and it is taking all of my might not to allow his reactions–his stress–to suck it all out of me.

As I lay in bed, the melancholy washed over me. I began to think about the way I’ve been feeling. I began to think about the people who have made such a huge difference in my life.

My heart is so incredibly grateful for these people. I imagined myself telling these people what they mean to me–sitting next to them and giving them a hug. Grabbing their hand and looking into their eyes and saying, Thank you.

Even the thought made tears spring into my eyes.

Learning to balance support, real life and all the realities that come with it, and the feelings of unworthiness that permeate my very being, has been hard.

I worry so much about over-relying on the support. Am I feeling better only because of them? What if the support people decide they don’t like me after all? Then what? Am I putting my worth in other people again?

Yet, these support people help me feel better. They MAKE me believe in me. They help me see and find my own worth.

They have started to make me feel worthy.

And I feel so incredibly grateful for that.

So much–so much I wish I could explain it to them…but I am not sure the gravity of it would ever translate through words.

Because I have always felt unworthy, believing that I have worth to others–that I am valuable–that is scary.

It is vulnerable.

So, as I begin to see and find my own worth and value, all I can feel toward the people who have helped me discover it is eternal gratefulness. Like…nothing I could ever do or say could help them understand how much it means to me…that they’ve listened. That they’ve been there.

That they’ve cared.

My heart–it is scared. It is lonely and sad sometimes.

But it is also extremely grateful.