I have frequently seen the last year and a half as a journey… A journey through painful growth; a journey through traumas, re-lived and re-processed… A journey full of transformation and an “un-becoming” of the person that trauma, neglect, and criticism made me believe that I was.
This journey has made me different in small and tremendous ways. I have discovered boundaries, and can use them with some success. I have discovered self-care, which, previously, always felt SELF-ish.
Most importantly, I have allowed myself room to grow and change. Sometimes, this process is easy and natural; most times, however, it is hard and agonizing.
Change doesn’t come easy.
…Neither does letting it go.
Throughout this journey, I have recognized many negative beliefs… many areas to work on… and many reasons “why.” I have felt overcome with a need for justice that will, likely, never come. I have felt the need to be loved and cared for in ways I have never dared to hope for…and with that has come shame and sadness…and I have felt the need to talk, to own my story… To share and give others an inkling of an idea why I am the way am.
… And I have been unable to let it go.
It all feels like such a tangled mess. I fear abandonment because I’ve been abandoned. When I experience a healthy, fulfilling relationship, I worry it will be lost… So I cling tighter, often driving the other person away and fulfilling the very fear I had to begin with.
I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop… And, always, deeply believing that it’s fall is because of me.
I hold on closely to these beliefs… Wearing my story like a shield.
Letting go of it?
It is scary. That means I have to really believe and feel like enough. That means I have to believe I am worthy of love. It means I can be really free… Even when I often feel so trapped in my own mind… in my own fear.
Believing these things feels dangerous and vulnerable. Two feelings I hide from.
Slowly, slowly, I am growing. I am conquering some fears. I am managing others. I am doing hard and brave things.
Now I just have to jump… And trust… And learn to let it come
… And, to let it go.