I have frequently seen the last year and a half as a journey… A journey through painful growth; a journey through traumas, re-lived and re-processed… A journey full of transformation and an “un-becoming” of the person that trauma, neglect, and criticism made me believe that I was.
This journey has made me different in small and tremendous ways. I have discovered boundaries, and can use them with some success. I have discovered self-care, which, previously, always felt SELF-ish.
Most importantly, I have allowed myself room to grow and change. Sometimes, this process is easy and natural; most times, however, it is hard and agonizing.
Change doesn’t come easy.
…Neither does letting it go.
Throughout this journey, I have recognized many negative beliefs… many areas to work on… and many reasons “why.” I have felt overcome with a need for justice that will, likely, never come. I have felt the need to be loved and cared for in ways I have never dared to hope for…and with that has come shame and sadness…and I have felt the need to talk, to own my story… To share and give others an inkling of an idea why I am the way am.
… And I have been unable to let it go.
It all feels like such a tangled mess. I fear abandonment because I’ve been abandoned. When I experience a healthy, fulfilling relationship, I worry it will be lost… So I cling tighter, often driving the other person away and fulfilling the very fear I had to begin with.
I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop… And, always, deeply believing that it’s fall is because of me.
I hold on closely to these beliefs… Wearing my story like a shield.
Letting go of it?
It is scary. That means I have to really believe and feel like enough. That means I have to believe I am worthy of love. It means I can be really free… Even when I often feel so trapped in my own mind… in my own fear.
Believing these things feels dangerous and vulnerable. Two feelings I hide from.
Slowly, slowly, I am growing. I am conquering some fears. I am managing others. I am doing hard and brave things.
Now I just have to jump… And trust… And learn to let it come
… And, to let it go.
A powerful, honest sharing, which finds a strong echo with me. Thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Right on! You are doing some wonderful introspection. Thought I’d share some of my writings, as I’ve been hacking my way through the game of Life for several decades now — maybe something I have will be helpful :)) Dawn
https://journalofdawn.wordpress.com/my-yoda-story/
https://soulhorseride.wordpress.com/2015/12/15/ride-life-the-reins/
LikeLike