I think I realized today that, though I am in another country, all of my baggage (both literal and figurative) arrived with me.
I am not sure what I expected… Part of me believed that I would arrive and feel like a completely different person. After all, I am in a completely different country, a completely different environment, and immersed in a completely different language.
The thing is, however, I am not a completely different person.
I am still me.
Over the last year and a half, I have been struggling to find myself. Who am I at my center?
Am I the person that my critical part of self tells me I am? Can I be the person that I want to be?
Can I learn to manage, or better yet–escape–the worry, fear, insecurity, and anxiety that has plagued me my entire life?
In taking this vacation/educational opportunity, I have deeply hoped that I could re-energize. I want to learn to finally let that baggage go. I want to find my inner strength.
The trip has not been as perfect as I imagined. The town I am in currently is not built for tourists. It is authentic and real – – just like me.
It is both beautiful and ugly. It is hot and it is cold. And it is a deep lesson in reality.
In a few days, we are leaving for the beach. This is the part of vacation that I have been looking most forward to. Again, I imagine myself sitting in the sand, listening to the waves, and enjoying the peace and reality of my own safe place.
Will it actually look like this? Probably not.
However, that does not mean that I cannot find my own peace. It does not mean that I cannot connect with my center. It does not mean that I cannot enjoy myself and, for once, let go of my fear.
I am currently doing so much more than I ever thought I could do. This journey has never been easy. It has been messy… It has been ugly… It has been hard. But it has also been gratifying and worth it.
Just like this trip.