I’ve been writing a lot lately about my neediness.
The feeling–the desire–to connect with someone was high today.
I am hurting.
My mind has been churning and churning. Thinking too many thoughts. Sad thoughts. Frustrating thoughts. Angering thoughts.
So. Many. Thoughts.
It is like a rabbit hole.
I’m thinking of people who hurt me. I’m thinking of why I struggle to fit in. I’m thinking of how my mom called my arms fat. I’m thinking of how she bailed out on yet another family event for my child. I’m thinking of how I probably am getting fat again, because I have been stress eating. I’m worrying about my job. I’m jealous of other people’s jobs. And on….and on….and on.
I tried to interrupt it, when I realized I was fixating on something frustrating and unhealthy. I drank some coffee and changed into my running clothes. I went out, pounding the pavement–alone in the early morning sun.
It worked for a little while. But the run ended. I came home, to an empty, quiet house, and…despite staying busy and cleaning the house, the thoughts continued to bombard me.
…Today was a day where I needed to talk to someone. A day where I needed to just get some of these thoughts out of my head and hear someone else’s perspective. Sharing and talking? THAT is how I process.
Cleaning my house and trying to avoid the thoughts? That is not how I work. The pressure just builds and builds and builds.
I needed someone today. And yet…I didn’t really have someone today. My good friend has been in the hospital so I couldn’t pile it on her. My husband doesn’t understand the brevity of my emotions, and has been busily stressing out over his own tasks. I have newer friends that I don’t want to burden. And, I’m trying really hard to learn to be independent from my therapist (and, really, what I needed wasn’t a therapy thing–it was simply comfort and understanding).
I just, so badly, needed to be heard and validated.
I have this internal battle raging in my head right now–a battle that says, “You need to just learn how to validate yourself!!” I agree…and yet…the FEELINGS and the EMOTIONS I am feeling are real.
I am wired to feel heard. I am wired to feel validated. I am wired to connect.
What does my neediness look like? It looks like someone checking in on me on a regular basis. It feels like being wanted. It requires reassurance and clear boundaries, so that I know I am not making mistakes on accident.
…Because that is the thing. I never intentionally try to hurt, annoy, bug, or frustrate a person. If this happens, it is because I am still learning how to navigate the relationship and the lines of communication are fuzzy. I am well-intentioned, careful, and empathetic.
Are my needs unusual? Am I asking too much? …Maybe?
I don’t know.
I do know I should learn how to meet my own needs. Validate myself. Love myself.
…But I refuse to believe my desire for connection with others is rare, or weird…or impossible.