I came home from my therapy appointment today and curled up in a cocoon. Wrapped in a warm, fuzzy blanket, I lay on the couch, staring out the window…paralyzed by a brain that thinks, and thinks, and thinks.
I. am. SO. Frustrated.
I want to move. I want to grow. I want to bust out of the funk that I have been trapped in for months and months.
I no longer know what to believe.
I want to believe–like really believe–in my heart and soul, that I am worthy. That I am lovable. That I am strong, and brave, and ENOUGH, just the way that I am.
I want to love, freely…and I want, so desperately, to feel loved.
I get in my own way. Time and time again.
Every move that I make in a relationship is thought out. And re-thought out. Every bit of it is analyzed. I want to make sure that I am careful. Am I texting too much? Do I talk about myself too much? Am I listening enough? Am I complaining too much? Am I being annoying? Is my insecurity showing?
That is what it comes down to: INSECURITY.
I am convinced, that if I am just me, in all my neediness and all my problems…just truly, authentically ME… I will be abandoned.
The nice part of self says: You aren’t that bad! When you are happy, you are really happy! And, you are easy to please! And you are loyal…you love hard and care and would do anything for people!
But the loud part of self smashes that back down. It reminds me how easy other people can hurt me. It reminds me how often I’ve been hurt.
For being me.
When my therapist tells me, “You are lovable! People like you.” I want to believe her.
God, I do.
More than anything? I want to give zero fucks who likes me. I want to love myself enough to tell all those people to screw off, instead of secretly laying in bed at night, agonizing over what I might have possibly done wrong and how I might possibly fix it.
I want to believe that I am enough, the way I am. Even if YOU don’t.
I want to send a text message when I have something to say, without calculating if I’ve sent too many and caring that I might come off as too needy.
I can, sometimes, convince myself that I am me again…confident, caring, and bold. If, and only if, I feel support from someone important in my life. For awhile, it was my therapist…she believed in me, and I felt that–and believed it. Knowing that a person believes in me makes me feel more capable…more able to feel worthy and loved and positive.
But, when things change, so do these feelings. And I am tired of that.
I want to keep the feelings. I want to believe them, regardless of who else believes it.
I want to be enough…not for someone else…but for ME.