Transformation

I have frequently seen the last year and a half as a journey… A journey through painful growth; a journey through traumas, re-lived and re-processed… A journey full of transformation and an “un-becoming” of the person that trauma, neglect, and criticism made me believe that I was.

Missing home

Right now, I am fighting off the strongest urge to go home. I have a week more of this trip… But all I want do is go home, wrap my kids into a big hug, and be in my own house.

Finding my center

I think I realized today that, though I am in another country, all of my baggage (both literal and figurative) arrived with me.

I am not sure what I expected… Part of me believed that I would arrive and feel like a completely different person. After all, I am in a completely different country, a completely different environment, and immersed in a completely different language.

Anxiety Abroad

I’ve been in a foreign country for 5 days now. There are 11 days to go.

The day that I arrived, I felt incredibly proud of myself. I did something scary!!

I walked out of the airport, into a totally new country. The air was heavy with humidity and exhaust, but I elatedly boarded the bus heading for my host home. 

Adventure Awaits

Bright and early tomorrow morning, I am embarking on a huge adventure.

This trip–more than two weeks away in a tropical, foreign country–represents so much more than just a vacation.

You see, this is a trip I am taking alone. With a group of people, yes, but with a group of mostly strangers.

This is a trip that is about ME. 

Mother’s Day: The Double Edged Sword

Every year, there is this holiday that rolls around…I dread it.

My social media feeds are clogged with pictures of smiling mothers and daughters, complete with odes all about how self-sacrificing and completely wonderful all mothers are, and how no one can love you the way your mother loves you.

These posts, every year, fill me with confusion.

They make me jealous, and angry, and sad, and wistful.

Needy.

I’ve been writing a lot lately about my neediness.

The feeling–the desire–to connect with someone was high today.

I am hurting.

My mind has been churning and churning. Thinking too many thoughts. Sad thoughts. Frustrating thoughts. Angering thoughts.

So. Many. Thoughts. 

Losses and Gains

Today was kind of a hard day for me.

Today, I finally finished something I have been plugging away at for the last three years. Something that I am so happy to be done with.

It is an end that comes with great relief.

Strength

Strength comes in all forms.

Being strong is not always what it seems.

It does not always look like a tough woman, conquering the world.