In the midst of it…

Healing is a slow process.

…Second by second, minute by minute, day by day.

….Breathing in, breathing out.

…Piece, by piece.

Slowly, slowly, I move towards the other side.

The “other side”? I thought I had reached it once…but I was wrong. I had simply reached a resting point. Rather than being “done” healing, I have realized:

I am in the midst of it.

I am in the midst of healing.

I am in the midst of feeling better.

I am in the midst of learning and hoping.

I am in the midst of it.

I am also in the midst of pain.

…and fear.

…and anxiety.

…and defeat.

None of this is easy.

I have good days. Really good days. Days where I feel like I am discovering who I want to be and actually being HER.

 I have days where I feel less needy. More confident. More hopeful.

These days? These days breathe life into the journey. These days keep me going. They propel me, ever forward, towards the ambiguous “other side.”

I also have bad days. Days where I ruminate and over think everything. Days where I am fueled by fear–a pounding heartbeat and an intense fear of being unliked. Abandoned. Alone.

Days that scream at me, There is something wrong with you!!!!

So much of my worth is wrapped up in others. Those days where I have been feeling good? Guess what happens on those days?

They are the days where someone reaches out–the days when I feel like I am liked and that I might have value to someone else. I smile, in my head, at funny conversations we had. I feel secure. Somebody likes me!

That must mean I am not as awful as I think I am. 

…Right????

The days where I feel bad? Those are the days where one of two things happen–either I don’t hear from someone I expected to hear from for some reason, or I worry and worry that I have made a mis-step and the person no longer likes me. Or both.

Worse–maybe the person now sees the true me, after spending too much time with me, or learning too much about me. They now know that I am clingy. Or needy. Or simply too much of this thing that they don’t like.

My mind starts humming and moving at a 100 miles per hour. I imagine the worse: I did something without realizing it! She is telling someone how awful I am! NOW who will I have? I NEEDED too much. I shared my feelings. Man…I know better!!

And…why does this always happen to me? 

9 times out of 10, the person wasn’t thinking any of these things. Later, I am able to see that, and am filled with relief…

Yet, I struggle, again and again, to stymie the worry that so quickly spirals out of control. 

I struggle, again and again, to know my own value–my own worth–independent of any one else’s perception of me.

And, because of that, I hate myself more. I hate losing control. I hate being filled with irrational fear.

Today, it started. I recognized my pounding heart…my sinking stomach. I recognized the swirling, spiraling thoughts.

I talked to myself. I used my logic.

But the feeling? It is physical…and it overwhelms me.

I turn inward. I quiet. I feel dark, and broken. In these moments, I can’t imagine, much less hope for, the elusive “other side.”

I am in the midst of it.

I am in the midst of it and it is hard.

But I will keep going.

…what other choice do I have?