Hope is a powerful, healing force.
It has been coming back to me lately. But, I am also sad to admit that there are still plenty of moments where I am struggling. Where I feel the ache and the loneliness.
The weekend is always one of those times. I do great when I keep busy, but as soon as the day quiets, and I have time to think, the overwhelming feelings wash over me.
I struggle, because I know I am supposed to allow the feelings and live in the present moment. Accept them, and let them pass. But…they get stuck. And I get stuck. And I find myself wishing, hoping, missing…something.
I am at a point where, right now, I need validation. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I can’t simply tell myself positive things and believe them.
It’s like that part of me is broken.
That part of me simply does not carry enough clout to make an impact against the wave of bad thoughts and feelings.
Someone told me that she has a board where she writes three affirmations–when she needs a reminder, she looks at this board. Then she asked me, “What are three positive things you believe about yourself?”
I feel terrible admitting this…but I am struggling to even come up with 3 things I actually believe about myself.
I feel like all of my good qualities now have a dark cloud hanging over them–they are products of my dysfunction…the bad things I did in order to adapt and survive my childhood. The things that make me the struggling person I am right now.
My intelligence? It comes from a need to please…to be perfect.
My compassion? It comes from a place of giving…because I know what it is like NOT to get. And, also, sometimes I secretly hope that if I give enough, someone will see it and realize that I am worthy to receive, too.
The point is…yes, I can write three things down and look at them when I need a reminder…but writing them down does not help me actually believe them. Because that is the part that is broken.
The part of me that should give myself credit? That part is busted.
Sometimes, when other people tell me–authentically–that I am good, or worthy, or lovable–I start to believe them.
But right now?
I NEED those reminders.
I don’t want to need them.
But I do. And I find that frustrating…