In the midst of it…

Healing is a slow process.

…Second by second, minute by minute, day by day.

….Breathing in, breathing out.

…Piece, by piece.

Slowly, slowly, I move towards the other side. Continue reading

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Instability

Yesterday, I had an EMDR session.

I sat in a chair, across from my therapist, whom I love and trust, and boarded the train I hate to ride.

The train started at the earliest place where I could remember feeling desperate and panicked at being abandoned. It was the day my brother and I were taken out of my mother’s custody. A Christmas morning, punctured by screaming and hitting, and an angry man with a baseball bat. What I remember most was my older brother–a fifth grader–crying and frantically calling my grandmother, begging her to come and get us.

Continue reading

Self Punishment

Along with the varying degrees of trauma I have experienced throughout my life, I have also experienced a large amount of self-hate. Guilt…and worthlessness.

In fact, even using the word trauma instills an immediate sense of disturbance in my body. I am critical of this word–after all, who am to label what happened to me as trauma? Many other people experienced so much worse than me.

…maybe I am just being too sensitive. Too over-dramatic about it.

Maybe it isn’t a big deal at all.  Continue reading

Affirmations

Hope is a powerful, healing force.

It has been coming back to me lately. But, I am also sad to admit that there are still plenty of moments where I am struggling. Where I feel the ache and the loneliness.

The weekend is always one of those times. I do great when I keep busy, but as soon as the day quiets, and I have time to think, the overwhelming feelings wash over me. Continue reading