A letter to myself

Dear self,

Right now, you are hurting. You feel like there is a deep, deep hole, in the middle of your chest–and you are unable to stitch it closed.

You want to find others to fill that hole for you. Others who will fill it with connection, and love, and hugs. Others who will know you and hear you and see you.

That hole? That hole has always been there.

Even as a little girl, you had that hole. You simply learned how to fill it up differently. You filled it up with fear–and anxiety–and perfectionism. You filled it up by pleasing others, staying quiet, and remaining loyal.

You still wanted people–yes, your value has always been gauged by what others have thought of you. You knew what healthy relationships should look like, and you knew your own were lacking. However, you have never really been able to know what healthy relationships feel like.

Oh, yes–you have ached and wanted to be fully loved. To be heard, to be seen, to be totally safe and vulnerable in front of another person. But…you have never believed that you are worthy of any of these things.

Today, you still struggle. You feel like you’ve made mistakes. You feel like you find people who continually can’t love you the way you so desire–the way you so need. You believe that is about you. You ask yourself–How lovable can I possibly be? 

You feel stupid, and filled with hate. You feel vulnerable and clingy and split wide open.

You wish you had the answers. The ability to just snap your fingers and feel better. You wish, more than anything, that the hole in your chest could just go. away.

But it won’t.

It won’t go away.

And other people won’t fill it up for you. Especially in the time frame you would like it to happen.

You feel like it is your fault. Like you are unworthy–unlovable. Like there is simply something inherently wrong with YOU.

Somehow, you have to accept those feelings. Take them, and examine them closely. Why is it so easy to hate yourself? Why do you feel so unlovable?

Why can’t you LOVE yourself? 

Why can’t you fill up that hole, all on your own?

That is the goal. That is why you have been putting yourself through so much pain over the last year.

When–oh when–will you just stop resisting? When will you believe in you?

I hear you now…in your mind you are thinking, But it is so much easier to believe in ME when someone else believes in me and shows it!!!!

Yes. This may feel true.

You may feel alone. You may feel like you are drowning.

But you have to keep going. Because there is no other choice. None at all.

You must breathe in…and out…and repeat until you can find the courage to move on. To move forward.

To, someday, find your own worth.

To, someday, love yourself.

Someday…someday…you will be able to fill that hole.

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