It’s been no secret that I rely heavily on my therapist. It’s true…
Throughout the last year, she has absolutely been my rock. The one person who I could always rely on…who I could talk to about anything…who I could always feel safe around.
I have worried, for quite awhile, that I rely on her too much.
The feelings are so very, very complicated.
Cognitively, I know the limits of therapy. I know what her job is. I know what she can and cannot do. I know what I should and should not want from her.
But in my heart, it is a different story.
My heart sees a person–who has given so much of her time and energy–to listen to me. To encourage me. To always make me KEEP. GOING.
I have never had a person like this. Yes, I have had people who helped me through different points in my life…but the depth of which this one person–my therapist–knows me, is completely different.
It is natural that I would develop a fondness towards her. A bond with her. A connection.
What is hard, however, is that the ultimate goal of therapy is to no longer need my therapist.
To be honest, the thought of no longer having her absolutely breaks my heart.
For the first time in my life, I feel heard…and valued…and believed in.
I didn’t know how wonderful that could feel.
It is the biggest BATTLE to cognitively know that I shouldn’t want this connection to last forever. That I shouldn’t want her support forever…because my heart? My heart wants it. My heart wants to be known, and heard, and taken care of…and cared for.
I know I am overly dependent. I know it.
I am trying, desperately hard, to make new connections. To, hopefully, begin feeling seen, and heard, and valued…and maybe even loved, someday, by other people. But it is a slow, lengthy process. It is not one that can be rushed…
…and it is in the interim that I feel so very lost.
Intellectually, I realize that I need to pull back. I need to stop NEEDING so much from the one person who has helped me so much and who means so much.
That, however, is just not an easy thing to do. It just isn’t.
I have her support. I want her support. But I have got to learn how to not need it.
I need to find other ways. Other people.
I need to rely on myself, once again.
I have to take care of me.
Believe it or not, I have always done this. Only now? Now I know that it could, truly be different. I know that someone can value me. Someone can see my worth. That I could actually, maybe, be a good friend…and have good friends, too.
So now? Now I have to learn how to take care of myself again…all the while hoping that I can find those people who want to connect with me in a meaningful way. And, until I find them…I feel the emptiness of knowing the absolute comfort of being understood and connected, but being unable to find it in the real world.
I don’t want to be dependent. I can’t. It has to stop. I know this.
But it doesn’t mean I can’t be sad. I can’t feel heartbroken and lonely. I can’t cry tears of pain and loss.
Because, if it does?
Well, I am crying them anyway.