I feel like I’ve been walking around with an open wound lately. It takes so little to trigger my emotions–the anxiety, the panic, the melancholy and depression.
I feel like my body is a messenger–trying to tell me something that I can’t quite seem to pick up. The thoughts roll through my head, the feelings flow, and the anxiety bubbles up.
But what is at the center? What is the cause?
Lately, the idea of loneliness and vulnerability have been permeating my being. I am, again, at a point where I am ready, in some ways, to share and release all of the pain and sadness that I am feeling.
But, I have a problem with validation. If I am ever going to be able to release it, I need to do it in the presence of someone who cares about me.
When I think of the deep swell of emotion that is carefully hidden right under my breast, my eyes tear up and my heart just aches. I want to let that emotion out–so badly. I need to be able to let it out.
But, I am held back, again and again.
The time never feels right.
I need support. I need someone who cares, who can sit next to me, and who can offer a shoulder to cry on.
Have you ever been upset and been hugged by someone? For me, that kind of hug opens up the flood gates. The tears come harder and faster–the hug is safe, it is vulnerable, it is human.
It does not feel like I am under a microscope, with my reaction being examined. It does not feel like I am telling someone who doesn’t want to hear what I am feeling.
…And, most of all, it does not feel ALONE. It feels safe and free.
It is hard…I know exactly what I need, but it so hard to get. The right person for this moment–the hug, the release, the care and concern–that person simply does not exist for me.
And that makes me feel so horribly sad. Hopeless, at times.
I’ve been doing lots of the work. I haven’t quit. I have been searching and reaching out. I have been making connections.
…But still, in the quiet moments, I am alone. I am vulnerable, but too afraid to share that vulnerability.
The sense of injustice that comes with these feelings is huge. It is hard to let go. It is easily triggered and throws me back into a spiral.
Again, and again, I trip over those triggers.
Finding my way around them–finding a way to accept the silence, the loneliness, and the ache–is such an enormous struggle.