February is always the time of year where I began to feel depressed and isolated. It is like clockwork.
This year, it is pronounced.
Currently, I am so very busy. I’m at work by 7:15 am, if not earlier, and I love what I do. I get along with everyone I work with. I loooove my students and all their sweet little hugs.
But, I have no connections.
I have friends, but we are all busy. I can’t think of the last time I even saw a lot of them. Communication tends to consist of a text here or there…a mention of getting together…you know, sometime soon. Occasionally, I will call them and hear a real voice.
But the hours fly by–there are not enough in a day. The days tick off, and suddenly weeks have passed. And I have not really talked to any of them. Not really.
My husband is here. He might say, What’s wrong? and I might actually tell him. But, most often, he doesn’t notice. He has a lot on his own shoulders–a lot he can barely manage to carry. When I do tell him, he does not know how to lower his own load to lighten mine…he adds to both of ours, instead.
Other family? Yeah, not so much.
There has been only ONE person who has been there for me, through it all–lots of the ugly and the good that has been slow to emerge. She’s a paid professional, and I would have never made it through my last year without her. She is my therapist.
To me, she is so much more. She is the person I talk to. The person I can count on. A person that I visit and share with so very much more than any other person in my life. There are days where I am certain I would not have survived, spirit intact, without her encouragement and her sincere desire to give me hope.
I have no one else like her. No one. Even beyond the counseling relationship, which is unique and one sided on my part–I just have no one else who I can trust my heart with, 100%, free of judgment. No one else who knows me so fully–not even my own spouse.
My attachment to her, my connection to her–it is something that I rely on. Something that I know is there. Something that I need to be there.
Imagining, someday, not having that need seems incredible. It is more than being healthy enough not to need her. It is that, on a human level, I have connected with her. I want to know more about her. I want her to know how amazing she is and how much she has impacted my life for the better. How much I admire her. I want to know that, if the circumstances had been different, she still would have been able to see my value and I still would have been worthy enough to know her.
Yet, the circumstances are not different. They aren’t.
Yes, I have her now. I have her support. And I would never think to minimize the impact that has had on me, or how incredibly grateful I have been for it.
It is just that, beyond knowing I cannot need her forever, I have now seen how fulfilling a relationship with another person can really be, and I find myself realizing…why don’t I have anything like this in my life that is real?
Is it the trust? Is it the way she uses unconditional positive regard to never make me feel judged? Is it all of these things, combined with the fact that we have common interests?
I don’t know what it is. But I know that I am sad and grieving as I realize that I don’t have anything else as validating as this one relationship.
I want something like that in the real world.