Always in Need, Never Needed

About a year ago, the balance of my life shifted–I went from a woman who could dysfunctionally cope with everything life was throwing at her, to a woman whose coping mechanisms no longer worked.

I was in need.

In need of someone to help me. Guide me. Hold me. Care for me. Love me.

Over the last year, I have also started to realize that, apart from my own children, who regularly need me and who I love, I continue to be that person in need, but rarely that person who is needed. 

Yes, I have friends. Friends who care and friends who love me. But none of these friends seem to need me the way I need them. They are loved and supported by others. I feel like I am floating, alone, in a vast ocean with occasional visitors. Those visitors make me feel immensely better when they are there, but the problem is…they aren’t always there.

Yes, I have a marriage. I have a husband who will love me, hold me, and care for me. But only when I make my needs known. Only if I ask for it. And, sometimes, frankly, I do not have the energy to ask for it. I do not have the strength to have to talk about it all, or hear “solutions” to my problems–when all I need is to be held and allowed to cry. He helps me feel better–but only if I ask.

Yes, I have an amazing counselor who has guided me and helped me over the last year. But that relationship has to remain professional so, obviously, my need is my own. When therapy is over, I will need to know how to guide and help myself. And that can be a scary thought.

There are days where I find myself back in the dark, muddy hole. Days where I look up for the light and it is so far away.

Days where my heart aches and I cry, simply wanting to be needed by someone the way that I need another person.

I hope, someday, that day will come. But…maybe it never will. Maybe this is just life, a moment in time where pain is felt loudly. Where the spotlight shines brightly on my loneliness and need.

Or, maybe, my need will change over time.

For now, I allow myself to hurt. To cry. To ache.

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4 thoughts on “Always in Need, Never Needed

  1. Kim February 12, 2017 / 12:00 pm

    I’ve been there. Recently actually… As an empty nester life changed suddenly and drastically. Being needed is self-affirming and gives life purpose. When that is switched off, it feels like falling and being unable to grab on to the next thing. You’ll get through this, I did. For me, it was by actively seeking purpose. To start, I made a goal of finding goals. My daily purpose was to find purpose! (How ironic, right?). My purpose and goals are becoming more refined each day.. I started with doing a lot of learning and doing things outside of my comfort zone. I read a lot of non-fiction biographies, and surround myself with positivity and do things that give my brain focus and energy (exercise and meditation). Look for purpose and ways to be needed, you will find them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Erica February 19, 2017 / 12:28 pm

      It’s amazing how much a purpose propels us forward and aids healing, isn’t it? I have always tended to make myself really busy and really available to others, in an attempt to find that connection, to provide what others might need. The hard part, though, is realizing how little those others needed me in return. They used what I could give, but were never really willing to give back. That’s where I have struggled.

      Liked by 1 person

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