Disappointment

No matter how old you are, or how much you prepare for it…disappointment is hard.

Yesterday, I interviewed for a teaching job that I wanted more than anything. I wanted this job because the very idea of having a job so early, secured and waiting for me, would give me immense peace of mind. I wanted this job because my heart desires, so much, to make a true difference in the lives of children, and this position entailed working with a population of kids who are desperately in need of support and love.

The interview went well. I could have sold myself more. I could have been less nervous–but I was me. Authentic, passionate, and enthusiastic.

This morning, I got the call and heard the words no one likes to hear…the position had been filled. AKA…not with me. 

I managed all the normal formalities that are required at the end of a phone call like this. As I hung up, I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer…and out they came.

I feel raw. I feel hurt.

I am trying not to feel many other things that are so quick to come up for me. Thoughts such as I tried my best. And where did it get me? No where. Like always. That is self pity. I hate self pity.

I am trying to not make this about me. It is most likely not a reflection that I am, once again, not good enough.

It can be so hard not to believe that, however.

There are times like today, where I really want to feel sorry for myself. Where I want to be angry and think, Haven’t I just earned a break, already? Can’t something go my way…just this once?

There is another part of me, that healthier part who knows better, who is saying, It must not have been meant to be.

I kind of want to tell that part to Fuck Off.

So…here I am. In the midst of my own pity party. Hating it.

I am glad I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I need reminders. I need to remember that I am okay. I need to be reminded that those fears that come up–the ones that say, Oh my god!! What if I never get a job? Everyone else will get one but me….–are just that. Fears. (But seriously…what if??)

It is hard, though. I had so much hope. I dared to believe in me, for a change. I may have made an impression…but not a good enough one.

That is hard.

I didn’t expect to take the rejection so personally. I didn’t expect my heart to hurt so bad at the thought of losing the idea of something that had not yet come to fruition.

But it does. My heart–it hurts.

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2 thoughts on “Disappointment

  1. @ng... January 24, 2017 / 8:36 pm

    I love you…
    You are good enough. You are more than enough. Just not the puppet that they were wanting to fill the position with. Even in the midst of this pain, and I understand exactly how that feels like a sucker-punch right to the gut.
    YOU shining through!

    And you better bet you poured yourself out! No matter if you left something out, or weren’t what they were looking for you gave them all you had at that moment… and that. was. enough! Like I shared with you earlier this week, the ugly truth is that they very well might’ve already had their minds made up before they even set up your interview. Much like mine. And you better bet it hurts like Hell…

    You’ve just had a painfully disgusting shot of the formality of oozy-schmoozy-disgustingly ugly sometimes realm of school politics. But please, please remember this my friend… delay is not denial.

    God already knows where the perfect teaching position is for you… and He’s holding it for you! I believe that with my whole heart. The teacher that you’re going to replace might not even KNOW yet that he or she is leaving. Think about that… and trust that God’s timing is never a minute early, nor is it a minute late and in due time, you will see how this heartbreaking day of your journey eventually leads to something perfectly suited for you!

    Proverbs 3:5-6
    “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your path.”

    I Love You.
    I’m Proud of You.
    You. Are. Good. Enough!

    And your final destination that awaits you… Your. Teaching. Position will be Worth. The. Wait!!

    Cross my heart!

    Like

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