Words will always hurt me.

The last few weeks have been a bit more stressful than I anticipated. It has been more up and down recently, but, overall, I am still feeling pretty proud of myself and the way I have been handling things.

I have felt good, even in spite of the stress. I’ve had my down moments, and my down days, and I have worked hard to just let them be. I may have needed a venting session or two, but I made it through.

Life is crazy and hectic–it is just that season for me. I can accept that.

I was feeling pretty stressed out by my constant go-go-go yesterday evening, and out of the blue, I received three text messages. One, from a co-worker, who just felt the need to tell me I’ve been doing a good job. One from another person, telling me I was going to rock a new position I accepted (yesterday was my first night running a meeting!), and one from a friend who just touched base and made me laugh.

I took a deep breath and just felt grateful. So grateful. My life, it feels, is finally coming together. My confidence is arriving. I feel good.

Today, to add to that–and my excitement–I got a phone call asking me to come in for a job interview that I have been reeeeeeealllly wanting. I was jittery with excitement!! I am so hopeful it will work out.

…And yet, even as I was riding this high of excitement, I allowed something to happen. I called a friend to share the news and she told me that she didn’t want to keep any secrets–she wanted me to know that she had had dinner with a group of people who used to be my friends and, who, until recently, I really trusted. I set myself apart, by speaking up against something important, and suddenly found myself alone, and ostracized by a group of adults.

It hurt.

I’ve been mending my heart over the last month–a month that has been completely void of this group of people.

As my friend talked, she told me she just wanted me to know she had met with them. That they had put in some digs towards me, and tried to get her to divulge whatever she might know.

I know these people have cut me out of their life. I have done the same to them. But still, just knowing that they talk about me, that they don’t like me anymore, that they could not handle the fact that I stood up for something I believed in….it astonishes me.

And it hurts me, deeply.

Just like that, all the wind in my sails…all the excitement I was feeling…it evaporated. All those familiar worries of…But what are they saying about me? Who are they telling? Who thinks I’m crazy? etc…came back.

And then, naturally, so did the frustration. The frustration at myself for giving them the power over me. For allowing myself to feel bad over people who have proven themselves petty and uncaring. How can I let this one minor thing outweigh all the good? I see how wonderful the good is–but the bad can immediately dominate and make me feel two inches high again. 😢

I am supposed to control my own reactions. I am supposed to take my power back.

….Why is that so hard? Why do the words and reactions of others matter so much to me? I have tried and tried to analyze why…maybe if I can understand that, I can begin to control the way it makes me feel.