Much of this blog has been dedicated to my own personal journey–but I would be remiss if I did not speak about the toll that the latest political current events are taking on my life.
I am an educated, well-informed, white American woman.
It is because I am an educated, well-informed, white American woman that I say: I cannot sit back, in the comfort of my own, middle class home, and watch while scores of people are blatantly discriminated against. I have privilege–and it is my duty to recognize that and speak out against those who are being racist, prejudice, and ignorant. I cannot normalize it.
Not knowing the future is hard.
There is safety in being able to plan. In being able to predict.
My early childhood was a series of unpredictable events. Scary things that happened. Fear and anxiety from not knowing what would happen next…and what that would mean for me, a terrified little girl, trying to cope with the constant upheaval.
That fear–that anxiety–became my normal. I learned to order my world, to try to predict as much as I could, and to control every aspect that I could. It is the root of my perfectionism. Continue reading
No matter how old you are, or how much you prepare for it…disappointment is hard.
Yesterday, I interviewed for a teaching job that I wanted more than anything. I wanted this job because the very idea of having a job so early, secured and waiting for me, would give me immense peace of mind. I wanted this job because my heart desires, so much, to make a true difference in the lives of children, and this position entailed working with a population of kids who are desperately in need of support and love.
The interview went well. I could have sold myself more. I could have been less nervous–but I was me. Authentic, passionate, and enthusiastic.
This morning, I got the call and heard the words no one likes to hear…the position had been filled. AKA…not with me. Continue reading
The last few weeks have been a bit more stressful than I anticipated. It has been more up and down recently, but, overall, I am still feeling pretty proud of myself and the way I have been handling things.
I have felt good, even in spite of the stress. I’ve had my down moments, and my down days, and I have worked hard to just let them be. I may have needed a venting session or two, but I made it through. Continue reading
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the concept of forgiveness.
When I was really stuck in the trenches in November and December, working through trauma and dealing with family–motherly–issues, I found myself really holding onto the idea of an apology.
You see, as a grown up who is just now realizing exactly how sad and traumatic and lonely my childhood was, I started seeing just how unjust it was. With that sense of injustice, came a need for…vindication.
However…that vindication, that need for the people who hurt me–who continue–to hurt me, to own up to what they did and apologize?
Well…that just isn’t ever going to happen.
I was finally able to realize that and I had some strong, soul healing realizations. But, at the same time, the concept of forgiveness still permeated my sense of compassion and politeness.
Only, this time, it made me wonder: do I need to forgive them for what they did in order to heal? Continue reading
My anxiety has been functioning at a much more “normal” level lately. When I say “normal,” of course, I suppose I mean normal for me.
A certain level of anxiety has always propelled me forward, created a sense of productivity in me, and driven my need to succeed.
I did ask myself today, though: What would life be like without ANY anxiety? Is it possible to just…I don’t know…RELAX?
If you’ve read my blog, you know that I have been struggling through a myriad of emotions as I’ve journeyed through one of the hardest years of my life.
The journey to accepting what was done to me, to becoming enough for me, to believing–like really believing–that I can be loved, has been immensely painful, confusing, and difficult.
People have talked about “the other side.” When I was in the middle of the muck, “the other side” seemed like some magical location that I was NEVER. EVER. going to reach.
…and then, just like that, after a few extremely hard months, something shifted.
And it all became clear. I can see the other side. Continue reading