There is a part of myself that I hate, and that part of self hates me.
We are enemies, this part and I.
This part is my critical voice. The voice inside my head that repeatedly undermines my growth, my confidence, and my strength. The voice that reminds me of someone else who has always undermined my successes.
It is the voice that tells me I am not moving fast enough. The one that says,
You are not okay!
You can’t do ANY of the things you are supposed to be doing!
You are such a failure! God!! What is wrong with you?
WHY can’t you just get it together?
You are such a pain in the ass. Can’t you just stop annoying her?
Stop being so needy. You should be able to do this on your own by now.
This voice is mean. This voice has no self-compassion.
This is the voice I developed in order to survive my surroundings as a child. The voice I needed in order to preempt another voice from yelling very similar things at me…from a person who I wanted to please.
How I felt has rarely mattered. I sacrificed these feelings to make other people happy and more comfortable.
Now, I am learning how to feel.
But…this is not the only part of me. There are others. Others who are nicer, more caring, more compassionate.
Other parts who say:
You are brave!
You are strong!
Just keep going.
You are okay. It is okay.
You can do this.
I love you.
Just accept where and who you are. You are enough.
I like these parts of my self more. They just aren’t as loud. Or persistent. Or believable.
I have been mad at myself over the last few days. Mad that I can’t seem to develop any self-compassion. Mad at how negative and stuck I have become.
There are times where I am so full of self-loathing for the way I feel. And then I hate myself even more for feeling this way because I know I am supposed to be practicing self-compassion.
I want to be happy. I want to be grateful. I want to know what it is like to live in the present–fully aware and peaceful.
For now, I am going to stop resisting. I am simply going to accept my feelings. I am going to hear that inner voice and acknowledge her–I will give her the compassion she never had before.
You don’t feel like enough? That’s okay. You are enough, but right now you don’t feel that way. That is okay.
Just be. Just feel what you need to feel. Just cry. Just stomp your feet. Just hug yourself and cry that no one else will hug you. Feel the strength in the embrace.
But, just be you.
You are enough.