Holiday hopes, holiday hurts

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I love decorating. I love Christmas carols. I love gift giving.

As I’ve grown into motherhood, I now love watching the look of anticipation and wonder on my children’s faces. Their enthusiasm and excitement. I love creating new traditions and keeping the magic of Christmas alive.

The holidays, however, feel like a confusing time.  Continue reading

She will be loved…

She really hopes.

EMDR therapy has a way of exposing these underlying beliefs I’ve been holding. These deeply held, core beliefs that, without my explicit acknowledgment, affect much of my day to day living.

The thing about a core belief is that I might even know, cognitively, that I shouldn’t believe it. Or that it isn’t really true. But, it is silently destructive. It is, unconsciously–subconsciously?–defining who I am, how I feel, and what I believe about myself.

  Continue reading

On the hook, off the hook

I had another EMDR session yesterday. This one focused on my resistance to moving on–why am I feeling stuck and unable to let go? To feel anger?

Near the end of this session, my therapist said: “They have had a free pass for years. They have moved on and been off the hook for years. Who is still on the hook?”

Who is still hanging on, caring that all this stuff happened?

Why, me, of course.

Continue reading

Letting go is hard. Why?

A couple of weeks ago I realized that this journey through all of my past trauma has started to define me. I have become kind of focused on what happened to me.

I haven’t been able to let it go.

This feels like a bit of a conundrum for me–I desperately want to let it go. Sometimes, NOT having any of this pain, grief, anxiety and, instead, finding happiness, relief, and comfort is all I can think about.

Other times, I can only think about the fact that it all happened to begin with. Continue reading