She is here…somewhere.

This weekend, I felt something I have not felt in a long time.

It sounds bad to even say it aloud. I don’t think I even realized how much it was missing until the feeling bubbled up in my soul again.

I felt joy.

I looked at the world around me and saw its beauty. I enjoyed the beautiful weather. I played with my kids with my mind on nothing but them.

I felt happy. I smiled more over the last four days than I have in so long.

It may be the medicine. It may be my determination to just not think. It might be a combination of all factors. But, for a few days, I could remember ME. Not this shell of a woman I have been for the last year.

…The moment, unfortunately, is gone.

Today, again, the melancholy is threatening to swallow me up.

I haven’t been sleeping. My body wakes up, like clockwork, at 2:50 am and my mind begins to spin. Luckily, there is no anxiety, really…I just spend time replaying conversations, thinking about life, singing songs in my head, you name it. And I canNOT sleep.

The sleep deficit is catching up to me. Today, I feel…empty. I feel like I want to be okay so badly that I have no more energy to move. Not forward or backwards. I’m just here.

I can’t define here. And, frankly, I just don’t have the will.

My heart…my soul–are tired.

There are so many things I want to figure out. I, so badly, want to be that person I felt this weekend. I know, now, that she is in there…somewhere. That, at least, is hopeful. She is brave and strong and happy, within me.

She is not dead.

But, in this moment, I can’t find her…and I’m too exhausted to keep searching and looking. I’m disappointed.

But mostly, I’m just drained.

 

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