This weekend, I felt something I have not felt in a long time.
It sounds bad to even say it aloud. I don’t think I even realized how much it was missing until the feeling bubbled up in my soul again.
I felt joy.
I looked at the world around me and saw its beauty. I enjoyed the beautiful weather. I played with my kids with my mind on nothing but them.
I felt happy. I smiled more over the last four days than I have in so long.
It may be the medicine. It may be my determination to just not think. It might be a combination of all factors. But, for a few days, I could remember ME. Not this shell of a woman I have been for the last year.
…The moment, unfortunately, is gone.
Today, again, the melancholy is threatening to swallow me up.
I haven’t been sleeping. My body wakes up, like clockwork, at 2:50 am and my mind begins to spin. Luckily, there is no anxiety, really…I just spend time replaying conversations, thinking about life, singing songs in my head, you name it. And I canNOT sleep.
The sleep deficit is catching up to me. Today, I feel…empty. I feel like I want to be okay so badly that I have no more energy to move. Not forward or backwards. I’m just here.
I can’t define here. And, frankly, I just don’t have the will.
My heart…my soul–are tired.
There are so many things I want to figure out. I, so badly, want to be that person I felt this weekend. I know, now, that she is in there…somewhere. That, at least, is hopeful. She is brave and strong and happy, within me.
She is not dead.
But, in this moment, I can’t find her…and I’m too exhausted to keep searching and looking. I’m disappointed.
But mostly, I’m just drained.
A Brave Mess 