This is the year of my spiritual awakening.
The year where my soul screamed out, aching for connection. The year where, despite my usual mutterings and logic, I dragged myself to church, looking for…something.
Something I have been pretty sure didn’t exist.
This weekend, I felt something I have not felt in a long time.
It sounds bad to even say it aloud. I don’t think I even realized how much it was missing until the feeling bubbled up in my soul again. Continue reading
Perfectionist. Driven. Sensitive. Empathetic. Open-minded.
These are words that I might use to describe myself.
One word I have never used is brave. Continue reading
So much is happening.
It is hard to describe. And even harder to accept.
Personal growth is a journey. It’s painful.
Be patient. Be gentle. Be kind to yourself. Find self-compassion.
I keep hearing these things, over and over again. I desperately want them to be enough.
It has been an absolutely intense week. Panic attacks and anxiety reared their heads again. Life was messy and hard. Insomnia has been visiting. It has felt like the perfect storm.
When I had an anxiety attack on Friday, I was immediately transported back to the beginning of this hard journey–of myself, sitting on the bathroom floor, seeing no end to this feeling of uncontrollable panic and fear. It hit me like a train, as it does, and I immediately felt a sense of grief and fear and despair. I didn’t want to be back there. Continue reading
Something scary has happened to me since Friday. My anxiety got triggered and I found myself in its clutches once again. Full-blown panic attacks. Shakiness. Tears.
I learned today that a new memory triggers a much stronger physical response for me.
EMDR was hard for me when I first started. Sometimes, it still is. I have to really work on calming my body and calming my mind–taking deep breaths and releasing the tension and the expectation that I have to produce something specific. I am getting better at letting my mind go where it needs to go–but it is not my natural inclination to allow it to just do its thing and give up control. Continue reading