On Thursday, still reeling from my latest EMDR session, I
wrote all about the overwhelming and messy feelings that I was struggling with. It was an emotionally charged post and, un-shockingly, one that made me realize just how hard I can be on myself.
You see, I was so ashamed of myself for realizing that I rely on my failures to shape the person that I am. I was ashamed that I rely on other people’s opinion of me when setting my own self-worth. And, I was ashamed when I realized how strongly judgmental I am…no, not of others, but of myself.
With that shame came feelings of anger and frustration, and a desire to absolutely isolate myself and process all of the emotions that were coursing through my body. I hit the pavement, running off a shitty night and pouring my anger and swirling thoughts into the cement. I ran too hard and came home and collapsed on my porch. Here, I drafted a text to my amazing therapist–“I am struggling today! That session yesterday kind of rocked me…”
Thankfully, she responded quickly and asked if she could call me. Through sobs, I did a very poor job of explaining all of the things that I was feeling but oh, that venting cry also helped to relieve some of my suffering. During the call, she said something that really made me stop and reconsider all of the SHAME. She said, “Now that you know these things, you know what is going to happen, don’t you?”
And I do. I now have insight into a part of me that I did not have before. A part of me that I knew existed, and that I have skated around, but one that was not yet ready to poke its head out and force its way out of my mind and body.
Yet, now it is out. I suddenly understand something I did not before–I understand that I am so unfairly hard on myself. That I need a whole lot of self-lovin’.
Once I see it, I can’t NOT see it. I will force the change. The insight–the pain I have been feeling over the last few days (and damn, has it been a painful few days)–means that I can no longer live with the status quo. No…I must change.
………….I must grow……………
I am ready to put my vulnerability on the line. I am ready to have the courage to face my own harsh standards and impossible expectations.
I am ready to breathe. Oh, God…am I ready to breathe.