I have been feeling amazing over the last few months–feeling NORMAL (whatever the hell that means). This last week though, for whatever reason, I have suddenly found myself feeling random bouts of panic and anxiety.
I can acknowledge that I have come a loooong way. When I feel these moments of panic, I am able to feel them and breathe them away. I feel more in control than I did before. But, it is totally frustrating that they are returning!!
For me, anxiety seems like a really foreign, faraway thing when I am feeling normal. Almost like I have conquered it and it is some abstract thing that happened to me once. When those feelings start to creep in again, though, it is amazing how quickly the body remembers.
My stomach hurts. I get hot. I feel overwhelmed and trapped.
…and now, I breathe.
I keep breathing. I can feel disappointed that this evil beast lies dormant inside of me, waiting to rear its evil head at unexpected and inopportune times. I have to learn not to overthink it.
My greatest fear, right now, in this moment, is falling back into the dark hole I found myself in this spring. I never, ever want to go there again. When anxiety hits me and I remember those feelings, I feel much closer to that precipice than when I am feeling “normal.”
It becomes a cycle of anxiety/worry about falling into the hole/more anxiety.
Today, I am trying to break that cycle.