The thing about my anxiety, and maybe ALL anxiety, is that it can always come back.
I have been feeling amazing over the last few months–feeling NORMAL (whatever the hell that means). This last week though, for whatever reason, I have suddenly found myself feeling random bouts of panic and anxiety.
I can acknowledge that I have come a loooong way. When I feel these moments of panic, I am able to feel them and breathe them away. I feel more in control than I did before. But, it is totally frustrating that they are returning!!
For me, anxiety seems like a really foreign, faraway thing when I am feeling normal. Almost like I have conquered it and it is some abstract thing that happened to me once. When those feelings start to creep in again, though, it is amazing how quickly the body remembers.
My stomach hurts. I get hot. I feel overwhelmed and trapped.
…and now, I breathe.
I keep breathing. I can feel disappointed that this evil beast lies dormant inside of me, waiting to rear its evil head at unexpected and inopportune times. I have to learn not to overthink it.
My greatest fear, right now, in this moment, is falling back into the dark hole I found myself in this spring. I never, ever want to go there again. When anxiety hits me and I remember those feelings, I feel much closer to that precipice than when I am feeling “normal.”
It becomes a cycle of anxiety/worry about falling into the hole/more anxiety.
Today, I am trying to break that cycle.
A Brave Mess 
you are strong! I know precisely what you mean.
Something that has really helped me is to rename this so-called evil. I used to feel constantly at war, feeling threatened by this demon, this evil anxiety which wanted to break me.
What if it was, instead, just helpful information?
What if this darkness made you special in a beautiful way?
just some thoughts
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Thank you! I haven’t considered actually renaming it…my therapist told me today I should acknowledge it, breathe deeply, and leave it there. It’s the overthinking that gets me. But renaming makes sense–we rename lots of other things in positive terms to change our outlook–why not anxiety? I will try this.. 😊
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Great acknowledgement! However, life is a sort of cycle with ups and downs, so i think it’s natural to have anxiety now and then. What is bad though, is not trying to be aware and see those moments. Because when you don’t identify them you can’t do a thing about it and that is what keeps you in the cycle. But if you are able too see them then you are also able to leave those moments which, in fact, is the way to deal with them.
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