How to live with the quiet

14915638817_7696be8270_bI have a confession to make…I am not good at being calm and quiet. I am so used to living with a certain amount of stress and anxiety in my life that, as I have gotten better at managing these things, I am realizing I no longer know what to do with myself when it is calm. When it is quiet.  Continue reading

Becoming Authentically ~ME~

As I sat in a chair facing my therapist, closing an EMDR session, my therapist gave me a simple request–close my eyes, think of something I believe in strongly, that I am comfortable expressing, and picture that in one hand. Put the other people in another hand. Feel the power of the separation.

I closed my eyes and tried to envision this. Immediately, my strong political passions came rushing in front of my eyes…but those opinions were just as quickly stuffed back inside. Wait! I have become uncomfortable sharing my political opinions…it isn’t safe. Too many people judge. Hmm..what else do I feel comfortable sharing? Continue reading

Am I worthy?

My entire life I have been a pleaser.

My self worth has constantly been gauged–for good and for bad–in the way others have seen me and in how well I could perform in school and other activities.

Forget intrinsic motivation–when it came to school, while I like learning, I became incredibly fixed on the extrinsic reward system of grades…I learned quickly that grades could surprise people–could impress them–could get them to notice me. Continue reading

When saying “No” wasn’t enough

This week, the internet erupted in chatter and condemnation of Brock Turner, a champion swimmer from Stanford University who was convicted of raping an unconscious woman after a party. The judge, disgustingly, ruled that this young man–this rapist–will be serving less than six months in jail.

This is not justice. Not for the victim. Not for women anywhere.

After the ruling came out, the victim released a brutally honest statement to her perpetrator.  I came across this on Facebook, as I was scrolling through, and I soon found myself pulled into her story, with tears streaming down my face, aching for her and the injustice of the entire situation.

Sexual assault. It happens. Unfortunately, it happens far too often and, as women, we are often taught that we cannot speak out and share the terrible things that happened to US…because there is so often judgement about what we “could have done” to stop it.

Twice in my life, I have been sexually assaulted. I read once that children who have been sexually abused are more likely to be sexually assaulted as adults. For me, unfortunately, this is a truth. Continue reading

Coming to terms…with me.

For my entire life, I have struggled with aspects of me:

I am not perfect.

I am whiny. dramatic. high maintenance. 

I am not worthy of being loved or liked, just for me.

If I don’t make another person happy, that person will leave me.

Even though I have always considered myself a sunny and positive person–and even though most people who know me would probably describe me as an optimist, internally I have always believed these things about myself. Some of these beliefs are so entrenched in my own self thought, that I did not even realize I felt this way. It just was. Continue reading