Sometimes, it is easy to take a look around at all of the work I have been doing in therapy and at home and just feel very overwhelmed. When I started counseling, I had a mental list of the things I thought I wanted to work on–anxiety, confidence, lack of purpose, marriage, etc.
I have been working on those things–BUT, I have also been working on lots of things from my past and my childhood. For me, this has begun to get really hard. Some days, I sit back and just think, “Oh my gosh…EVERYTHING feels broken right now!”
It just seems like there is so much overlap, so much interference. For about a week in a half, I was absolutely celebrating the fact that my anxiety seemed to have left the building. I felt great! Free…
And then, this dark, stormy cloud of depression started to follow me around. I started looking at my life RIGHT NOW, and began to feel frustrated about the way things were going. I had a really hard talk with my counselor–one that I had already had in my head enough times, but one that was seriously difficult to hear her point out to me. I sat across the room from her and, for the first time, I felt like I. just. couldn’t. I could not have this conversation. It was earth shattering for me, and I sat there trying hard to keep myself together, and failing pretty miserably.
The problem was, the conversation happened. I heard the words aloud. I could not stop thinking about them. The panic came roaring back. Childhood triggers surfaced. Suddenly, I felt like I was absolutely drowning in the then AND the now.
At this point, I am feeling…stuck. Not sure where to go. I know I want to go forward but sometimes figuring out how to get there is hard. Also, I totally suck at the self compassion thing (see?). I want to be gentle on myself but, instead, I feel really mad and frustrated at myself every time I start to feel down or anxious.
Change is so hard!