Forgetting Boundaries

Becoming healthy–overcoming anxiety, setting boundaries, learning self-worth–is not a linear process.

It is not something that you think about and then, BAM! life is perfect.

It’s just not.

It is a lot of small steps forward and big steps backward. It is learning triggers and recognizing them AS they are happening…or, even, not until they have already happened.

Right now, I am in the latter category.

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It started with a phone call…

I gripped the steering wheel tightly. I was emotionally exhausted. I couldn’t keep the tears at bay. The stabbing, fleeting feelings of panic were emerging.

I was tired. So very tired. From not sleeping. From stressing.

It was A WEEK. Continue reading

Seeing the cycle

Mom issues rarely happen in isolation.

Don’t get me wrong–if you struggle with an unloving mother, or an abusive mother, or a narcissistic mother–or a mother so unlike that of “popular” culture–YOU feel isolated. YOU feel alone, unloved, and unlovable.

You look all around you and see other moms and daughters–shopping, having lunch, traveling together–and in YOUR heart, you feel a pang of sadness, regret, and loss.

If you are anxiously attached and seek relationships–ahem, ME–you might seek out other women as role models, letting them mother you as much as they can and also fearing the day they might take their leave.

But, maybe, one day, you will also transcend some of the pain and loss and bullshit. Maybe, one day, you will work your ass off in therapy, erect the strongest boundaries you can muster, and learn that you can be loved–and some people will continue to love you even through your less than stellar moments.

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Another school year, over.

It has been with mounting excitement that I viewed the calendar over the last few weeks. Somehow, without really knowing HOW the year went so quickly, it was already April.

Teachers are quite tuned into the school calendar. Summer is usually met with relief, excitement, and exhaustion.

The last day of school, though? Ahhh. It is such a bittersweet day. A vulnerable day.

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Panic: Switched ON

To me, anxiety has always been part of who I am. Nerves, worry, IBS…it’s been called different things, but I’ve always had it.

Managing it is a process. At times, it is terrible and affecting all parts of my life. At other times, it is in the background–there, but at a level that makes me more productive.

PANIC, on the other hand, is a totally different beast. Continue reading

Calm versus Chaos

When I first started this blog, my emotional health was at an all time low. I was a DISASTER (thus the blog name). But, bravely, I continued to pursue healing and therapy. Day after day, week after week, and month after month.

Progress occurred, but in my mind it was slow and hardTherapy is hard work, man. It is deep, soul-wrenching, earth shattering, WORK.

Luckily, I was graced with the most amazing therapist to guide me through the process. Oooohhh, the patience this amazing woman had/has for me will never cease to blow my mind. I challenged her, I clung to her, I pushed her away…always so sure she would abandon me, too.

Through her steadfast faith in me, I grew. I, slowly, began to heal. I began to need her less and less, and gained faith in myself and my other relationships.

Healing work will never be done. That is something I learned the hard way. There will never be a magic day where I wake up and realize, “I am healed!” 

No…life is a spectrum, and I will always have some struggles–but, I can say confidently that I am on the other side of the spectrum. Continue reading