Okay, tonight, I am writing to vent.
I know that I am lucky that I haven’t contracted Covid-19 and neither has my family. I know that I am extremely lucky to be able to work from my home (the hubs, too), and that I am getting a paycheck.
But, can we for one minute acknowledge that sucks? Continue reading
I’ve been avoiding writing lately. I’m sure many people are writing similar things.
We are all living in this weird world. Self-isolation. A virus.
It feels like some typical, apocalyptic movie, where zombies will soon be roaming the streets. (Which is probably why gun sales are skyrocketing–c’mon people!!)
However, minus the zombie part, this is REAL. Continue reading
This feels like such a loaded word lately.
It has been an identity for me for a few years–me, the child of trauma.
Me, the teacher of traumatized children.
The word itself, when examined and detailed, feels like a trigger.
Opening up wounds, reminding me that I, too, am wounded.
Do you ever feel like chaos is easier to deal with than quiet?
Common sense says that self care equals slowing down.
And, honestly, it does.
Yet, when I start to feel that pace slowing–when things start to feel calm and quiet–I feel like I don’t quite know what to do with myself. Continue reading
When I started the therapy process, I was hesitant to admit any of my past wounds. I wanted to focus on the present–find strategies to overcome all of the panic and anxiety I had been suffering from.
However, my amazing therapist had other plans. She knew that the reason I was experiencing panic and anxiety in the first place was because I had some kind of underlying trauma–even if I didn’t want to go there.
And then, despite all my hesitation, my panic led me there. I wanted to run and hide, but the expectation of possibly having to spill out my past threw me into a whole new level of panic. I found myself back on the phone, back in her office, much more quickly than I expected. Continue reading
Life has been more or less “okay.”
There are inevitable ups and downs. There are moments of relative calm, and also moments of deep vulnerability.
Becoming healthy–overcoming anxiety, setting boundaries, learning self-worth–is not a linear process.
It is not something that you think about and then, BAM! life is perfect.
It’s just not.
It is a lot of small steps forward and big steps backward. It is learning triggers and recognizing them AS they are happening…or, even, not until they have already happened.
Right now, I am in the latter category.
I gripped the steering wheel tightly. I was emotionally exhausted. I couldn’t keep the tears at bay. The stabbing, fleeting feelings of panic were emerging.
I was tired. So very tired. From not sleeping. From stressing.
It was A WEEK. Continue reading
Mom issues rarely happen in isolation.
Don’t get me wrong–if you struggle with an unloving mother, or an abusive mother, or a narcissistic mother–or a mother so unlike that of “popular” culture–YOU feel isolated. YOU feel alone, unloved, and unlovable.
You look all around you and see other moms and daughters–shopping, having lunch, traveling together–and in YOUR heart, you feel a pang of sadness, regret, and loss.
If you are anxiously attached and seek relationships–ahem, ME–you might seek out other women as role models, letting them mother you as much as they can and also fearing the day they might take their leave.
But, maybe, one day, you will also transcend some of the pain and loss and bullshit. Maybe, one day, you will work your ass off in therapy, erect the strongest boundaries you can muster, and learn that you can be loved–and some people will continue to love you even through your less than stellar moments.